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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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So, I roll outta bed, grab my coffee from that cute little café on Rue de la Gare. You know the one? The barista there is always super chill. I swear, he’s got the best latte art in the whole of Luxembourg. Anyway, I’m sippin’ my coffee, feeling all fancy, when BOOM! My phone buzzes.

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